Do not give in too much to feelings. A overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this shaky earth.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I’ve inadvertently been heeding Goethe’s advice since the passing of my mother last week. It’s not that I haven’t cried but I’m not sure I’m ready to explore of that feeling space fully yet. Goddess only knows what I will find.
Some part of me thinks that maybe I get to bypass grief and just relish the loving heart connection I feel now but it never works that way. Shit will come up through dreams, encounters and various synchronicities. Eventually, I will have to face grieving the mother I never had but it’s not a linear process that happens within a set timeframe…
Though mum did a runner when I was three, she did nurture me for the first three years of my life. Then she left and took my baby sister with her. A year later she returned my sister to our father. I have no memory of that year of being without my little sister who is only a year and a bit younger than myself.
I do have a memory of before mum leaving though. Mum is chasing dad through the kitchen holding a knife. He disarms her and throws her out of the flat. I had just turned three. My next memory is of visiting my mum in her flat in Stockholm city. It was an overnight stay and I couldn’t sleep so she told me to count sheep. I would have been three or four. There was a strange man in the flat with a black beard. He had kind eyes but I didn’t trust him.
Then a blank until the next memory which is of my fifth birthday and some toys I got as birthday presents strewn across my bed… I think the next time I saw mum again is when I was six.
The Knight of Cups is Scorpio energy. I have Jupiter in Scorpio and am smack in the middle of my Jupiter return. I won’t be able to escape deep emotions… but I’m also having a Chiron-Moon transit at the moment in Pisces… and I have never felt so numb in my life.
On some level it feels like the pressure is building behind a dam that is about to burst. What will happen when it does? I don’t know but I’m OK with not knowing.
I do know two things: a) Mum, as fucked up as she might have been, did her best and she never stopped loving me and b) Everything will be OK in the end… If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.
I know that everything was forgiven long before she passed. There is no karmic mess, nothing to clear or resolve. She taught me much about what truly matters in life and I have nothing but love and gratitude in my heart for her.
Mum had to grow up though she never wanted to and she was a true puella aeterna. She never lost her sense of awe in the face of the great Mystery of life. She never lost her playful spirit though she often despaired.
I don’t know where she went all those years when the dementia made her forget how to speak – she who used to be able to speak seven languages. Perhaps she was playing with the faeries somewhere really beautiful while her body slowly wound down. She would have liked that.
The night after she died, I had a powerful dream about the release of her soul from her body. There was nothing but light and love in this dream vision which I really can’t do justice with words.
This dream was her final farewell, so ho can I be sad? I know she is where she wants to be and I never lost her love. Not before she died, though some would judge her for leaving, and not after. In the end, we all have to leave those we love…
I love you mum.
Deck used: Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti