Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.
~ Napoleon Hill
This is so true and this is why I’m not feeling The Magician when he shows up in my readings at the moment.
This relates to the numbness I was talking about in yesterday’s post. I suspect strongly that this numbness involves my Moon-Chiron transit in Pisces, as well as Pluto conjunct Venus and Neptune conjunct my North Node. There are some whopper transits going, so I’m bound to feel them on some level.
One way to put it is a feeling of the things I used to value rather a lot just melting away. I still have desires but they are very basic. I want good food and drink, a comfortable bed, fresh air, discussions with my family members and cuddles from my dogs.
The desire to achieve is gone. It is really rather liberating in some ways. There was a time when I used to think that I had to make something of myself, be successful and achieve some sort of renown as a Tarotist. I find that idea a joke now. I can’t even understand how that used to matter.
Perhaps, it was talking to fellow Tarotists who were already published and who still didn’t feel they had ‘arrived’ that helped me realise the futility of chasing this kind of success.
Now when people ask me when I’m going to publish ‘that book’ I just laugh and say, ‘Oh, I’m not THAT kind of writer – I’m a blogger.’ I love blogging and I would hate writing a book. How do I know. Because I started half a dozen times and after the first couple of chapters the dream quickly turned to dust.
Blogging puts me more in the realm of the Divine Feminine where I’m allowed to remain in the flow of inspiration of the moment. I’m happy right here, not even knowing what the next sentence waiting to be born is going to be… It’s a girl!
Other things that used to matter when I was younger already faded over the years. The usual stuff: get a degree, invest in bricks and mortar, save money for my retirement, achieve my ‘ideal weight’ (which can never be achieved unless you are happy with yourself whatever your weight), learn how to drive, get married… blah blah… blah… I only achieved two on that list and even those two probably wouldn’t matter that much now.
If I can learn a little every day and perhaps be a bit kinder to myself and others I’m happy. And I do manage both more and more consistently lately. But these simple things are more grounded in the desire for no desire… It has nothing to do with that ‘pulsating desire’ mentioned by Mr Hill in the quote above; These simple things relate more to digging in the soft dirt around me, with no plans of sowing anything quite yet…
Yep, I’m in the soil prep stage. Maybe I will stay here until I dig a bit deeper just in time to be put six feet under. And that would be totally cool by me.
I look at the Magician and think ‘Oh, you young whippersnapper, go out there and conquer the world!‘ and then I go and put the kettle on while random thoughts jumble about inside my head, asking to be put into pixels on the screen…
I have no idea what awaits on the other side of these transits. Pluto will be doing its thing over the 12 months, as the Sun and Mercury transits are coming up later this year. I guess it’s OK to feel as if I’m dying. After all, I am – and so are you.
The stars keep score.